Wandering Healer's Master Plan
an autobiographical Novel by Rosalie Simone Martin
I am Rose Simone, I have been beaten down and had the shit end of the stick my entire life. I have just survived an attempt on my life! My partner has just tried killing me and I have fled with my children via Children's Aid mandate to the local Transition House, a safe haven for abused woman and their children; With my children Nova Simon my angry fourteen year old female to male transgender teen and Connor Andre my ten year old gentle-hearted boy who is high functioning autistic.
At the same time I reach out to a long time friend a BDSM master pleading for guidance to learn how to go from slave to Mistress in my own rights, after all, she did one of those BDSM quizzes and it told me I was 100% Switch like WTF; and he accepts! What just happened here? Why would Tom sign on to take me on as his slave and train me to take on a household of slaves of my own? Is this even what I want, if so Why? I can't even handle one man let alone a house full of different personalities and jealousies! Why the fuck would I want that?
Follow Me as I survives unbearable odds as I face plants time and time again through this heartbreaking and endearing journey of self discovery and self forgiveness as I scrape by nickel and dime to ensure me and my kids had everything we need in life and are bent on healing me and my boys like I had begun learning in the past after another disaster of a relationship before this one. It was a totally different nightmare one where I am led 3000 miles from my home and forced into prostitution at 24 pregnant with my unborn Nova still in the womb by his father. My honesty in this instant allows me to lose my beautiful baby and I fight tooth and nail every step of the way to ensure my child remains in my life, no matter what is required of me!
How can you blame me if you understood my childhood where I was at the age of 7 discovering my beloved Mamere and Papere were not, in fact, my parents but my grandparents. That my sister is, in fact, my mother, one which has led us into a home with a man so horrendous no one would want to meet! Where beating with two by fours were the punishment at hand for singing and playing. After fleeing with my sisters and mother after surviving an attempt on our lives, we are made to move over and over because we are being stalked by him all throughout our childhood. A childhood where me and Nat, my mirror twin are expected to do all the cleaning, cooking and caring of our younger siblings. No doubt I expected so little for myself!
Well, I have had enough of that thank you very much! Gordon Dale put me through hell literally I have been ridiculed and belittled by my partner for 12 long years! Forced into being the president and inspiration of a children's charity that was mishandled by my abuser and his fundraising partner because they worked on a previous fraudulent charity that showed them exactly how to do it, so I take steps into creating a paper trail that brings the charity to a stop because I know its wrong! I am told I am a worthless excuse of a human being, and have locked myself into my home for so many years I now consider myself agoraphobic because I have allowed myself to be put into a situation where it has left me with a criminal record to be pardoned because I had lost my voice to be heard. I deserve to finally find peace from my past! To allow myself to continue holding on to what makes me, me even if it doesn't make sense to others. That alone can sometimes be the scariest thing in the world.
I decide to take a break from all relationships until I figure out exactly what it is I want, so I enroll me and my boys into the Changing Patterns program through the local Community Counselling Center and the True Self ABC workshop to really learn how to apply the teachings of the Changing Patterns weekly program I have me and my boys enrolled into. It is a turbulent road where my eldest begins exhibiting abusive behaviours towards me and begins self-harming and doing drugs that lead to hospital visit after hospital visit. When will the shit show come to an end? How much more can I honestly take of this shit! Like seriously.
I was told it would get worse before it gets better, but I never expected it to include the death of my now stalker ex-abuser who has entered another toxic relationship with someone who lives directly behind me. The most unexpected death of being tasered by the local police at an unrelated domestic abuse situation! He was serving house arrest conditions for pleading guilty to the assault on me that brought on my fleeing him, and I am sure that is a factor to why he resisted arrest! Thank God for the support I'm receiving being part of the True Self ABC workshop because I am in the best position possible to turn this situation from traumatic to cathartic for my boys, Connor can now still hold on to the good memories of his father and Nova can finally be free of the stalking and catfishing he is enduring from our abuser! What a yo-yo ride being in the middle of feeling both sides of the grieving process that my children are going through! And yet I'm doing it and my boys are on the mend and somehow the universe in all this finally has my back!... WTF who knew!
This is a poignant and gut-wrenching story of overwhelming odds and overcoming all my obstacles to healing from past ordeals, part of that process is finding forgiveness for myself and those who have hurt me. How can I move on with all those resentments weighing me down! And that's the point of all this, I deserve to move on in a healthy way finally! Me and my two amazing boys, we deserve to be free from the tangles of my past. It's time to change the rules finally, and this is how I do it!
“The Final Fight with Dale!”
August 14th, 2017...
I grab my head wondering for the thousandth time...Why the fuck am I so disoriented and confused… I've slept all day again and I feel like a sack of shit! How am I going to get the energy to be able to do anything with the kids? Once again, I have wasted the day doing nothing but sleeping like the dead! What's going on with you Rose?
What's happened to me? My skin looks waxy and unhealthy, my usually vibrant green eyes look lost and unfocused and I feel so utterly disgusted in who I have allowed myself to become. "WTF Rose wake the fuck up girl! ... You’re better than this. What's going on with you?" I say this to myself in the Mirror just as I hear the front door slam shut and Dale calling and screaming for me "Rose, Rose for fuck sakes ROSE!" what does he want? Always yelling at me and putting me down, I don't get him! Nothing I do is ever good enough.
So why does he stay? Why does he continue to do this to me day after day and not get sick of it? Who knows, I sure don't but we have kids and a life built together ... How do you rip your kid’s world apart by changing things? What if that was a mistake of epic proportion? Sigh maybe one day I'll be strong enough, but I'm just so tired and groggy where will I find the energy needed to stand up for me and my boys? I can barely lift my head, my arms feel like lead and I still have to cook dinner for all four of us... though why I try to feed Dale lately... like he'd eat anyways... Pfft, jerk wasting food like that... the nerve of him… Grr.
"Yeah, I’m upstairs, washing my face. What do you want Dale?" I shout calling down to him
"Ok, I'm coming up to you. I'm just making your ice caps baby!" He said in response, and I am glad to hear that tone, he's in a good mood thank god!
"Awe thanks baby, I'm sorry I'm just waking up... I don't know what's been going on lately, but I can't seem to get myself up in the day! Where have you been? You know I worry about you when you’re out of the house all day right. What if the cops showed up while you’re gone?" I say to him as he is carrying two glasses of ice caps with him, I guess having our drinks in the room before I go make supper ... Poor Nova and Connor don't deserve to keep waiting to eat. I'll just make mine and Dale's talk quick and easy that's all.
"I got us a treat! No giving me a hard time about it ok, it'll wake you up, sweetie. What's going on? Connor and Nova just told me you've been sleeping all day again? You know you have to wake up right! The kids need you awake Rose." He scolds
"I know but it's like I can't, even now Dale! ... I feel like lead has filled my limbs and I'm so fucking tired! I can't shake it either. I may have to go see the doctor and figure out what is going on with me? Sigh" I exclaim, really concerned with what was causing me to sleep like this.
"Give it time Rose, we just have to find a schedule that works for you ok, we can handle this." He reassures, and he starts rooting through his pockets, man he's lost a lot of weight and I know it’s the lack of eating, the drugs and always being on the go. It's always bothered him to be fat, and yes, he does have extra weight on him but so do I so who am I to judge him for it? Doesn't stop him from being so self-conscious about himself. I personally don't see what he sees but I always say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I've always liked what I saw… so it is what it is. I have always been drawn to tall, and handsome men.
At 6'3" and 230 pounds he's a big boy! He's got these milk chocolate eyes and a slight hook to his crooked nose and full lips, always shaved and clean cut. Dale hated being dishevelled. He refused to wear anything but name brand clothes but I and the boys were only allowed Wal-Mart. His argument I never left the house and the boys were always growing, so what do we need with nice clothes.
He had a point I never left the house, my god, I had started isolating and avoided leaving our home back in and around 2010. I felt judged to leave the house; we hardly ever had friends over anymore. I know my doors are constantly revolving when Dale was home, but not to see me. They were customers of his almost every last one of them, and I was not allowed in his basement office when he was home.
"So, what's the treat you brought home for me?" I ask while he is frantically rooting in his pockets
"Hang on I know they’re here! I just had them in my.... oh yeah I hid them in my sock, you can never be too careful!" He says, and I now realize what my supposed treat will be ... Fucking speed pills FML I hate them with a passion, and I dread what's to come. I know he'll be wanting hours and hours of sex tonight if he is feeding me speed tonight ... I hate the porn I'm made to watch, what girl wants to be gangbanged by 21 guys? like seriously! ..... Sigh and this was his compromise to the bukkake he wants me to watch rather!!! Yuck, I love the taste of cum myself… but to be degraded like that, umm Fuck to the Hell No!!!
"I don't need any baby; you know I can go without them in my system, right?" I urge him because I really don't want to do speed, it clogs my nostrils and kills my appetite and I want to go make supper for the boys!
"Get me the plate and your grinder? Can you crush it up for us I'll put a couple on the plate you take the bigger half since you’re so groggy ok, I'm trying to help you wake up baby? It'll help so don't argue with me." He pleads, and I know if I say no he'll be upset and start yelling so I proceed to do just as he ordered me to do.
"Jerry gave me a great deal on ten of them today; he only charged me twenty bucks!" He tells me all excited; Jerry Fucking Springer was a kid in the strip of townhouses next to ours. His girlfriend Sandy I have known since she was nine and I dated her dad all those many moons ago in a misspent youth before having kids. What a weird drug connect to have but there it is. Jerry Fucking Springer, he’s such a pet too, no wonder Dale keeps him close! He intimidates most people because he's so big and tall, but also loud and persuasive. That man could sell ice to an Eskimo! I swear he's one smooth operator for sure.
"Well, that's nice of him!" I say under my breath resenting Dale using any money on drugs when we needed more food in the house than what we had, I'd been managing but just and this drug shit was really bothering me! I'd been done with this for so long, how had this become my life again?
And I mulled this over as I grind the speed down to a fine powder and cut it down into rails readying it to snort up my congested nostrils. God, how I hate this shit! What garbage it was and a total waste of money, I bet he forgot to grab my green though? He doesn't smoke weed so he can't be bothered to make sure I'll have any.
"Did you remember to grab me some herb today baby?" I ask ever so gently not wanting to upset him.
"Fuck are you out again!" He exclaimed though he must remember I told him last night I was.
"Yes, remember I told you last night?" I said
"Fuck, we don't have money for this Rose!" He says though I wonder if we can't afford a gram of weed, how does he justify the speed and other drugs I'm almost sure he's doing.
"Are you serious Dale? It's all I ask from you. You know I use it to calm my nerves! I'm a mess without it and I can't handle the way I feel. You know it makes me very on edge to not have any baby." I plead with him, but I know it won't do any good. He has forgotten on purpose yet again! He enjoys my discomfort so I must suck it up.
"Fuck this sucks Dale, you know this stuff will make me jittery and you have no weed for me? What the fuck are you thinking? ... so much for it being a treat!" I grumble
"Are You fucking serious with me Rose! I am the only one trying to keep things going every day while you sleep your fat ass away day after day, I'm doing everything I can to keep us running smoothly no thanks to you! And you’re going to sit there and bitch to me that you need your weed? Who the fuck cares about what you need Rose! I didn't get any, so sorry, suck it the fuck up!" He shouts and I know I've pushed too far.
"Sorry baby, I can't help feeling this way, you know that! Settle down please Dale, I'm sorry ok." I plead really wanting to diffuse his anger; man is he quick to fly off the handle? What else is he taking to be so wound tight? I've no idea but I have suspicions what it could be ... coke and/or crystal meth it’s the only two substances that explain his severe mood swings as of late. Fucking waste if you ask me! ... Ugh
"Just shut up and let’s get that into us, I have to go back out soon so tick tock!" He grumbled, as he fucks around with his phone, which he took from me a few months back because he needed it more than I did since I was the one always home? But technically he should be home all the time, and not me since he is the one serving house arrest for the charity and dealing methamphetamine pills last summer! The same pills he has me jamming up my nose. I am feeling so beat down lately, fucking groundhog day, day after day for months now ... This blows the big kahuna!
I guess that's why I'm feeling on eggshells even with his calm demeanour I know it’s just a matter of flicking the switch to his anger that will set him off ... ugh, I hate this feeling of uncertainty constantly hovering over me. Especially lately we're constantly arguing over his escalating drug use and lack of money. It's hard to make something out of nothing every day.
Really freaking painful worrying where my children's next meal is coming from. I'm used to being the capable healthy stay at home Mom of two special needs kids, not this pathetic drug using loser I feel like these days. And the funny part is though it isn't funny, is that I was groomed as a child to be a trophy wife to some rich man ... oh well I made my bed, made my poor choices guess I have no choice but to suck it up and accept my pittance.
"Is that ready yet Rose? Where are you off to... in Lala Land as usual?" He harped at me, guess he's coming down ... meh, who cares, I can't stand this shit I'm purposely dragging ass on taking it anyways.
"Yeah, here take yours ... I can't snort these anymore you know they're destroying my nose I'm always clogged up and my septum is fucked from this garbage! Why do you keep bringing them home for me to take, I'm tired of this shit Dale. We need to get our shit together before the kids get taken away from us! Don’t you care about our family anymore Dale? I mean come on here." I say as I'm getting worked up over having to ingest drugs, I don't want but wanting to upset Dale less. How did I become this person?
"It's your job to care for the house and the kids, and you’re so fucking dropping the ball here Rose! And you think I deserve to be gone getting what we need for me to come home and listen to your fat ass nag and bitch at me? I don’t think so, you selfish cunt. Smarten up, this is the only thing making it possible to do what I need to do while I get money to put food in the house and get your fucking weed you can't live without and what thanks do I get? Your fat ugly ass mouth giving me shit! Fuck off, Rose! ...You don’t deserve the other treat I brought you!" He shouts and my stomach drops he is into other shit, he has brought home coke ... what the fuck does he have planned for tonight?
"Baby, what else did you bring? I'm more than happy with the beans." I try to soothe knowing I don’t really want any of it to be fair.
"None of your business, do your line!" he pushes the plate at me and I proceed to lick it up because I really can't put any more drugs up my nose! In these last five months, I'd taken more than I ever wanted, and the damage done was noticeable to me at least.
"What else did you spend money on Dale?" I ask knowing it'll upset him but getting worked up regardless.
"Why do you care? It's not yours anyway." He goads knowing I'm so sick of always being left out of things, left at home alone day after day. The only time he brought me with him which I didn't give him a choice I was desperate not to sit at home again, but after that episode of embarrassment, I started staying home again. I really didn't want people to see me like this anyways. I was a disgrace to who I used to be!
"Just asking, you mentioned it sheesh!" I exclaim getting irritable not having my weed to smoke ... Fuck my nerves were on edge!
"Well, I have decided you don't deserve any! Look how unappreciative you're being right now." He says
"Whatever..." I grumble, knowing I'm treading on thin ice but beyond sick and tired of this same groundhog day I live day after day. Even the conversations are muddling together lately sounding the same to my numbed ears from the constant bickering. My poor kids, they still haven't eaten and now I'm sitting here doing illicit drugs instead of cooking them the dinner I had meant to do an hour ago now.
"Don't sass me, Rose! I'm so beyond sick of this shit ... Nag nag nag that's all I hear from you! I'm so sick of you. What the fuck was I thinking! getting with a fucking pathetic loser like you? God, I'm so sick of your shit!" He yells knowing his words will hurt. He knows I can’t tolerate teasing and yet he loves to do it and claim he's joking afterwards knowing I can't stop him from doing it.
"Must you talk like that to me Dale? You know I hate it." I cry
"For fuck sakes Rose! Shut up you can't deal with shit." He yells
"Stop please, you know after being with me for 12 years I can't so why keep doing it, Dale?" I ask knowing the answer before I even ask but I can't help it I want it to stop.
"God you’re pathetic, look at you… crying like a baby! What a pathetic loser you are. God dammit Rose, give it up already!" He shouts and I know he's getting riled up.
"Ok, I'm sorry baby I'll try," I tell him instantly overwhelmed and my nerves screaming at me to throw in the towel and leave already, but just not knowing how to go about that.
"What did you bring home?" I ask trying to cheer him up, and I stand and make my way to him and grab his dope bag he takes everywhere. I knew I shouldn't have the second I put the bag in my hands and he jumped at me like a mad man.
"Give that to me you fucking cunt! Don't touch what's in there it's not yours!" He shouts leaping at me, and I scurry to throw the bag out the window or get rid of it, I can tell there is something I really won't like what's in this bag and I need to get rid of it.
"No, what's in there Dale? What's the big secret! What are you hiding?" I scream as I try to get away from him as quickly as possible knowing what's coming.
"Listen here you fucking cunt! I have told you time and time again, don't touch my shit you stupid cunt." He screams as he tackles me from behind wrapping his right arm around my neck. Falling onto of me from behind and lying right on top of me pinning my arms useless under me; I can't do anything I have been incapacitated. His arms keep tightening as I continue to tuck my chin down to give him less leverage, he is bent on choking me and I start getting scared he is not stopping!
"I'm so sick of your shit! You stupid fucking cunt. So fucking sick of you!" He is screaming at me repeatedly "How dare you touch my shit! ... you fucking cunt! God, I hate you, you fucking retarded bitch!" He is screaming as he continues to gradually tighten his arm tighter and tighter around my throat. Maybe I should just give in then my misery would come to an end, I'd be done with this groundhog day.
“Just do it, please! Put me out of my misery Dale. Please, I can’t do this anymore!” I cry in earnest at being treated as less than human in this instant.
Day after day of continuous disappointment on who I've become, I barely can care to take showers or get out of my jammies most days. I am completely depressed with what my life has become, but just then my children's faces pop in my head. What about Nova and Connor? How would they survive without their rock? I'm the stone they have anchored to and would be lost without me, and at that moment something in me snaps; I need to live. I cannot let Dale take me out like this! My boys need me to live!
I'm feeling faint as I continue to tuck my chin in as much as I can but he already has a good hold on me and I allow myself to relax into it feeling myself giving in but also remembering all those hours of submission moves Nat practiced on me as a teen. I needed to conserve my energy for my opportunity but not give him any leverage to tighten his arms.
I seriously can't take another moment of being treated like less than dirt. He doesn't care one bit that he has the upper hand, I'm incapacitated, and he still won’t stop tightening his arms and I know in this instance this is my end if I don't fight back somehow but how? I am pinned very securely, and he has lost his marbles. I have gone too far, and I now see it!
He finally loosens to his hold to force a better grip, and I take my moment… I need to find a way to fight back so I bite down on his forearm as hard as I can. I bite so hard I literally bite through my lips; I know this because the coppery taste of blood fills my mouth. Next thing I know, I'm being flung across the room into the wall and I fall to my knees hard in a defensive crouch, he is barreling over to me and he grabs my hair to hold my head in place as he full out punches me three times really hard on the back of my head, and on each blow I see stars as my head takes the impact of his full-on closed fist punches.
He is screaming at me hysterically "I can't believe you bit me like that you fucking crazy cunt, I'm going to kill you! Your piece of shit whore. Who do you think you are biting me like that, you fucking cunt! You’re fucking crazy, and everyone knows it too... why do you think you don't have any friends anymore! No one can take your shit, Rose! you fucking crazy cunt!"
"You tried to kill me! You just tried to kill me!” I’m screaming hysterically at him nonstop, over and over again, shaken up beyond belief and screaming at the top of my lungs. I am in disbelief the man I love has just tried taking me out of this plane of existence; he has literally tried ripping my life force from me... and failed.
"Your nuts, you attacked me out of nowhere; you psychotic bitch!" He accuses but I am beyond reasoning with. I know what has just happened, the fucker tried to kill me, and now he's trying to pass the buck onto me... That I, in some fucked up way have just asked to be killed.
I literally have just fought tooth and nail to live and stay alive and I have seen my life flash in front of my eyes, for the second time in my life. I know he wasn't going to let go, and I am beyond enraged with him for thinking he has the right to do this to me! The fucker who claimed to be the love of my life has literally just tried killing me and in his delusion; is trying to convince me I asked for it?... That I wanted to die!
As if Dale, like seriously! and what... you were assisting me? Yeah right! And I shriek at him like the crazy person he is accusing me of being, till he finally leaves the house to get away from me. I am so shaken up and distraught, and I still need to feed my kids... FML what has just happened to me?
I'm Alive! Who gives a fuck… that's all that matters at this moment!!
So I dismiss the thought right away and go to focus on the kids, I need to forget what's just happened, but I know I never will. How can you? When you have just faced your own mortality. What the fuck!!! and I head downstairs where I can tell my children have just heard it all and now need to assure themselves I am ok because I am embraced by my two boys ferociously and held for quite a while. They too know they almost lost me, and I'm their rock. If they lost me, they would be devastated, but I refuse to dwell on that and hug them back fiercely being so eternally grateful for still being alive, and in my boys lives... I made it somehow by the grace of God... I'm Alive!
The next day I'm feeling rough, and by some miracle, I have been able to wake and not be groggy for the first time in months. I don't know what the difference is other than Dale not having come home last night. I don't know where he's been and I could care less, I survived his attack on me last night and I'm done. How could I not be? The fucker just tried to kill me!!! What has happened to the man I once loved? I now see I don't feel anything but fear and resentment towards him anymore. I have been made into public enemy number one by a monster who can't acknowledge his own errors. I've always been the one to blame for anything going wrong in our relationship and outside of it with others.
"You know Rose; no one wants to be your friend. They have all stop coming around because you’re too much! You’re the reason why no one wants to come over. They all ask me that all the time... what do you see in her? Why are you with her? And I really don't know what to tell them anymore, because I wonder the same thing every day! God your pathetic Rose. Buck up! What happened to the girl I met twelve years ago? The one who radiated happiness and sunshine everywhere she went?" He would go on and on like this at me all the time I remember.
I also wonder what happened to me, and at that moment, I realize the truth. I happened to me, I keep giving my power to the wrong people who don't appreciate me or nurture me! So I make the decision to separate, I have no idea how I'll do it or if I'll be able to do it safely with my kids, but the choice has been made! I go online and brazenly take the first steps to separate I change my status from in a relationship to single!
"No words can describe how I am feeling in this moment" I have left a vague bleak message to my friends on Facebook because I have no friends to speak to in person. I have become agoraphobic in the last 8 years never leaving my house except to run errands quickly and rush back into my sanctuary... but is it? My sanctuary?? I don't think so anymore. It has become my battlefield! One I want so desperately to escape!!!
August 15th, 2017, 3:30 PM
I know it's been a very long time since I spoke with you, but I have never forgotten you approaching me all those years ago. I feel badly in how I cut you out of my life so completely but have always thought of you and what could be. I wish to have you be my Master? I'm hoping to learn from you how to go from slave to Mistress.
We have a mutual friend who shared with me this truth of yours and I'm sorry for coming out of left field like this, I don't know if you'd be interested in taking me on but perhaps you can guide me in a sense like a mentorship perhaps? I know I've always been attracted to you, but if the feeling is not still mutual perhaps you have a friend who I may like?
Let me know :)
I hope we can reconnect in the near future, Tom! I'm sorry I cut you out so completely, all I can say is it hurts to deny myself what I truly desired, it is what it is. Hope to hear from you soon and take care
Why the fuck did I just email Tom Stat out of the blue like this and I've already sent it in a flurry so there is no going back ... Oh well, c'est la vie! as I always say, I wonder what will come of that???
No more than an hour after posting my out of the blue message I receive a knock at the door and instant dread fills me. Dale isn't home, it could be the police, the possibilities are endless to consider so I make my way to the front door on wobbly legs and open it and a well-dressed woman was standing there with a folder in her arms ... Oh no, its Children's Aid and they've come to take my children from me! Their sole purpose to exist! I'll do anything to ensure I don't lose them, but how? So I greet this stranger knowing my life is about to change and I just can't in my fear realize just how much.
"Hi, I'm Hailey McDonald from the Children's Aid can I come in and talk with you?" She says, and I feel the lead ball fall to the bottom of my stomach ... shit, I will do whatever I'm asked, I cannot lose Nova and Connor and I break down right then and there!
We cannot stay with Dale, this last-ditch effort with him has cemented this truth in my heart once and for all. I have tried every possible way to hold our family together to no avail. Now I must cut the rot off like the gangrene he has allowed himself to become and move forward to preserving the good that remains of me and my boys.
I have no desire to do these nasty drugs anymore, why like last night with Leia I wasted over a hundred bucks on the garbage I didn't enjoy but for a brief second before the high was gone! I'm done with that shit. I cannot keep doing this to my boys! They deserve so much better than what I have become, and I know it in my heart, I am at an impasse and the universe is giving me a chance to turn the tide of my life at this moment.
So I grab it with both hands and a heart filled with faith and tell her everything, knowing it can backfire on me like it has in the past, and still finding the courage and voice to finally speak up.